The Humble Egotist
The title of this week’s offering might appear to be an oxymoron of sorts. Well, it is! It references my journey through a variety of seemingly disassociated characteristics, many of which can be viewed as polar opposites. Aside from, at times, being a humble egotist (more on that in a moment), I often refer to my perspective on life as that of a pessimistic optimist or in some instances, a self-effacing narcissist. When viewed from as objective a standpoint as I can muster, I don’t believe these dichotomies to be particularly endearing traits. On one hand, as somewhat of a know-it-all, I rarely fit in socially with any group (unless my name was Bullwinkle J. Moose). On the other hand, the self-pity of someone who goes around singing, “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna eat some worms” does not engender warm feelings either.
I desperately want to be accepted (see PONCI) as a person who has something, anything to offer that may be of value. I suspect this desire is at least part of the reason for writing these weekly essays. I’m looking to make a connection, to feel as if my observations and small witticisms might be of value to others, just as many of the books and articles I’ve read along with the conversations I’ve had with friends have given me insights into my own life. I have also always viewed my years on earth as an opportunity to leave this planet in better shape than when I arrived way back in 1951. In that respect I have failed. Aside from this goal being exceedingly grandiose, the potential of making that difference would have been a nearly impossible task.
Despite knowing that my belief in being able to fix enormous problems while sitting hunched over my computer at a dining room table is completely delusional, I continue to come up with what I deem to be rational and tenable solutions to a variety of issues. I’ve always thought this way, so I doubt if a sudden pragmatic insight into the futility of this process is going to stop me from developing new ideas. If there was a pill for mitigating these kinds of thoughts, I’m not certain I would take it. I like believing I might, one day, be able to come up with a brilliant concept that could have a broad ranging impact. See, there’s that egotism rearing its very bloated head again.
As I’m pondering ways of creating a better and brighter future for all of humanity, I’m also drowning in self-doubt, wondering if there is anything I’ve accomplished that is noteworthy, even on a small scale. If I could step outside of myself, I would see there are things I’ve done and accomplished that have helped both myself and others live a more fulfilling life, but that’s not how it feels. And now we’re back to the dreaded arena of irrational emotions. Emotions that allow us to perform magnificent acts of kindness while pushing some to fill themselves with mindless hatred and fear. Emotions that add wonder and passion to our lives and at the same time, mask the dysfunctional nature of the bulk of human behavior.
And so I plod along as the final chapters of my life become visible on the horizon. I’m really not sure how aging impacts my day-to-day interactions with the world, but I know the specter of advancing years does not diminish this constant internal battle between the ideas I think could make a difference in life and a haunting lack of confidence in those ideas. As examples, I firmly believe we must drop individual agendas (at least until we as a society are back on track) and work cooperatively to tackle the most pressing issues. And no matter how many times I hit a dead end with this view, I cannot let go of the logic that permeates the concept. Also, the concept of Mindfulness that I mention over and over in my posts, representing a way of approaching life by considering the consequences of our actions prior to acting. Being Mindful also seems beyond reproach. Yet I don’t see the incorporation of either of these ideas into daily life. Perhaps I’m asking or expecting too much of others.
But if I truly believed these concepts could change perspectives on important issues, (if only they were taken seriously), why am I not “out there” beating the bushes to get people to pay attention? Much of my behavior has to do with that lack of self-confidence. I’m constantly second guessing myself and wondering if it’s just me who is seeing the world from a skewed perspective. Maybe things are not as bad as I perceive them to be. I really can’t tell.
I don’t know how to resolve my conflict, so perhaps I’ll just stick with what I can do until either my mind or my body gives up the ghost. In the meantime I’ll just keep on keepin’ on. It’s what I know.
[Note: Egoist and Egotist differ in meaning. Here is a definition explaining the two words as found on the internet; “An egoist is a selfish person focused on their own self-interest and advancement, while an egotist is a boastful person with an excessive sense of self-importance. Think of an egoist as acting in their own interest and an egotist as talking about themselves (boasting).” Based on this information I chose Egotist as the most accurate for this post, though both words are not used as compliments. I was never certain of the difference until I looked it up for this piece of writing. Always learning something new.]
I suppose that each of us needs welcoming, over and over to the human experience.
To live as a language-enabled mammal means that experience is inevitably divided. Each of us, at best, is torn by the paradox of our experience of “is” and a stark difference between “could/should be.” This is deeply felt before we cobble the words to express our angst.
I would never tell you to get over it, because that would be to leave behind one’s humanity, the poignancy of empathy. Here we are “thrown” into the world as Sartre famously expressed. With you, I am done with apologizing for having/being an ego. I am also certain that my well-being is consequent upon the life of my fellows, as well as every living thing on this planet. Perhaps my ego is properly understood as a facet of a larger super-ego of the entire planet?
Let’s carry on doing what we can for one another.
Those key principles which you wrote about, that is to pause individual ego interest in favor of the common good and then, to consider consequences before acting… How could one be “out there” to evangelize such matters of “style”? Seems to me that practice, or showing is beats telling with regard to such as this.
For each who is ready, – a teacher will come.
I believe we all seek acceptance in life. It bonds and often drives us to create a better world, on the optimistic side. Even the thought of creating a positive new reality for the world is a significant step toward creating one.
By experiencing life from this present moment in time, with the future and past only separated by our individual perception of reality, we see the flow of the world, the direction society has taken, the darkness that slowly overcomes humanities desire to be whole and help our fellow man, replaced by greed, desire for material wealth and corruption.
No one can remain in this state of consciousness and stay sane, therefore we find solace in the future and do our best to learn from the past. We build a mindset that incorporates those things we can potentially change and hope the world eventually becomes a better place for all.
As the Dali Lama has said, “We all have the seed of nirvana inside of us”. This is obviously a way to state the key to happiness lies within everyone, but this lacks definition, as it must. We all have a path to follow in life, but happiness is part of the experience we seek during life, not a goal to achieve or final outcome once our life has ended.
And I must say no to the concept that things are not all that bad. From what I see, the human race is on a downward spiral towards revolution. A broken system has no direction to go but chaos and self destruction. Since most of us view the world through the media’s perspective, our viewpoint may be adjusted to fit what will sell and drive us to consume, which is often tainted by propagandists and corrporations with an agenda.
As for mindsets, there are generally scales of concern towards humanities darker side. From doing nothing to setting one’s self on fire in protest (not suicide, yet often life ending). Most of us fall in the middle. We care, but often feel our efforts will not create enough change to make a difference.
This, in my option, is a misconception. Revolutions are often started by an individual or group of people. But the foundation of change is laid down by thousands if not millions of people expressing opinions and thoughts like my brother. The oceans and seas of our world are vast, yet without each and every drop of water, they would not exist. If we don’t at least try to initiate change through our actions, nothing will ever create a positive foundation of what is to come.
Carl, As I mentioned in my reply to Jennifer, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the engagement of my family in adding insights on my posts. What is most remarkable about your words is that they are filled with wisdom plus an understanding of what I’m attempting to do by writing these weekly essays. Each time you post a response I feel that it is an extension of what I’ve tried to say, but written in a way that increases my own perspective. Isn’t this what anyone should want in a conversation? We should all be talking to one another in order to learn and to expand our horizons and that can only take place when our points of view are challenged or added onto. That’s my takeaway from any response you offer, so THANK YOU!!! You’re a really good writer!
I often struggle with a legacy. Or the need for one. But I have come to terms with the fact that my only legacy will be with my grandchildren. I try to love them unconditionally. I want to fill them with it so that when they get older and I’m no longer here, they won’t seek love from someone who can’t give it to them but that they will be so filled with it that it wont be an all encompassing need but a luxury.
Jennifer, The fact that both you (my sister) and Carl (my brother) have been responding to my perspectives on life is incredibly meaningful to me. As you and I have discussed, there are so many siblings who live in a dysfunctional family environment. Yet somehow we have maintained this extraordinary connection. I feel so phenomenally fortunate. In terms of “legacy” I certainly understand how you feel about your grandchildren and your desire to pass long a sense of love and belonging to them. We only have nieces and nephews to dote on. For whatever reason I passed the parenting part of life long ago and yes, there are some regrets about that, but I am where I am at this point in my life. Even with that, I still feel a strong sense of responsibility for future generations regardless of any direct line of descent. It’s a burden I’ve placed on myself and I can’t seem to shake that feeling, nor do I particularly want to shake it. So we all do what we can, either for our immediate family or for the family of man. Kind of crazy, but I’m not sure what else to do.
I’ve been reading your blogs now for quite awhile, Tobin, so I’ve often read the word mindfulness in them — and relished sharing the thought with you. I never stopped to consider that my understanding of the concept and yours might be substantially different. –Until I read this definition in your blog above: “a way of approaching life by considering the consequences of our actions prior to acting.”
This characterization of mindfulness brought me up short. Would you mind googling mindfulness, as I did just now? (The response to my googling was done by AI. Dang! But it was reasonably close to my understanding of the word.) We might have an interesting conversation about our differing interpretations of the word. But then, I wonder if you will read this comment. I often indulge myself in your blogs some time after you’ve posted them, and the times I’ve responded with a comment often haven’t received a reply.
Verna – I always greatly appreciate your thoughts on my posts. And of course I read everything that comes in since all responses need my approval before being posted. There may have been an occasion where my reply wasn’t necessary (or at least that’s how I possibly perceived it), but everyone’s opinion is extremely important to me personally. I would ask that you go back through some of my posts and if I’ve inadvertently missed responding, to please let me know which ones I’ve missed.
As to Mindfulness, I’ll start by noting that language and the definition of words is not precise by any means (see my post https://thecagedmind.com/onlanguage/). I did as you suggested and looked up the internet definition which suggests the following meaning:
“Mindfulness is the practice of purposely focusing attention on the present moment—thoughts, emotions, and sensations—nonjudgmentally.”
In my own mind, I view Mindfulness as being aware of the present moment, as the definition suggests, but in this context the concept of being in the moment includes an understanding of the potential consequences of one’s actions. As you pointed out I’ve mentioned Mindfulness fairly often and it is almost always based on working past our highly subjective characteristics to see the world and ourselves in a clearer light. I have always felt that we cannot see the world objectively (or as objectively as we can) without first looking inward to understand how and why we fog over reality. Essentially the internet definition is correct to a point, but at least to me, it is lacking the broader picture. This is what I meant when I say the language is malleable and we all interpret words through our own filters. I hope this makes sense. If you would like to have a continued conversation about this subject, perhaps we could meet for lunch. I would sincerely enjoy that.
Thanks again for your input.
Tobin