Kindness - Part I
I am struggling with this topic. It seems like it should be a no-brainer to write about something of such impact on each of our lives but finding the right words to express the importance with kindness has been difficult. I believe that at least a part of the issue is the intangible nature of Kindness. Most of the time small acts are not calculated. They are spontaneous, adding a feeling of warmth and connection for both the person receiving the gift and those offering that bit of light to someone else. Since these little moments of Kindness are unintentional in nature, (a seemingly instinctual response), they say something about the human spirit that I feel is critical to our well-being.
Within my own observations, I view Empathy as one of the key elements underpinning the motivations behind kindness. In subconsciously understanding the pain or circumstances of another person, many of us will feel compelled to step in and give someone a hand. This could be as simple as holding a door open for someone behind you, or as complex as spending weeks working with an organization such as Habitat for Humanity of an intrinsic understanding of the distress and heartache of being homeless. Most importantly, the actions mentioned here are not the result of guilt or a sense of obligation but manifest from the connection people feel for each other.
Of course Kindness is not a standard characteristic for everyone. On a daily basis we read about cruel, selfish, and hateful behavior on the part of those who do not understand the benefits of truly helping others. These people have become fixated on self-aggrandizement and seemingly believe they are immune from the effects their attitude has on society as a whole. Their myopic perspective harms all of us, but in particular it harms those who need a hand to either make financial ends meet or even find enough food for their families.
Although some of those who are focused only on their own well-being are born without a sense of caring for others, mostly this is a learned behavior. Treated cruelly by parents who may have suffered as well, the generational transmission of sociopathic conduct appears to come from the “Nurture” (relative to “Nature” – click here for an article from Simply Psychology) part of learning as compared to a genetic quality. On the other hand, teaching children to share and to find a sense of self at an early age leads to a greater potential of developing Kindness as an adult.
As frustrated as I am with those who berate and belittle their fellow humans in order to gain a sense of superiority, I feel sorry for them as well. There is a positive emotional benefit to just being nice to others, to feeling like we have done a small part to lift up someone who has fallen on hard times. This feeling is not why people are generous or kind, but it is a side-effect of this type of behavior. Even a small thing such as holding a door open for someone and having them thank you with a smile can lift our spirits. Again, it’s not why we do that, it’s just an unintentional perk.
My wife, Rachel, and I were standing in line to enter a theater for a David Byrne concert. As we waited in the cold of a wintery Chicago evening, a gentleman came by selling StreetWise, a magazine produced to give sales jobs to those who are down on their luck. The man was not pushy or demanding. He had kind eyes and a soft voice, asking if we would like to buy, for whatever price we chose, a copy of the magazine. Rachel took out a ten-dollar bill and purchased a copy. A few very pleasant words were exchanged, and it was evident that this relatively minor amount of money and our ability to actually see and connect with this person, a fellow human being, has stayed with me for a number of weeks.
I am not self-congratulatory about this event, nor do I believe that others in that line are lesser people for not doing the same thing. What I do know is that Rachel and I were better off for connecting with a stranger in that moment. But that moment also gave me pause to reflect on our society. What if everyone cared enough about people to share what they have? What is quite telling about humanity is that those with lower levels of what is called Subjective Wealth (see article), are more likely to give a larger portion of their income to charities. The idea that the greater the wealth, the less people are willing to part with a similar percentage of that wealth than less affluent people, is something most of us understand on an intuitive level. Greed is clearly a disease that impacts one’s ability to react with Kindness.
Imagine if someone like Elon Musk, with his hundreds of billions of dollars, became truly philanthropic along the lines of an Andrew Carnegie or Bill Gates. And yes, Carnegie was a rather ruthless industrialist, but he was also incredibly magnanimous. If Musk gave on the same level as Carnegie or Gates, we can only imagine the good that might be accomplished throughout the world. And if Musk had the capacity to feel good, how spending his wealth on beneficial projects would lift his spirits as well.
There is some good news in that there are at least a few people of substantial means who are not just focused on accumulating greater wealth. Rachel and I have several friends whose generosity and kindness are not dampened by the size of the bank accounts and continue to work towards the betterment of their communities and of the world at large.
In the end, it is up to each individual as to how they want to engage in acts of Kindness. Every day opportunities arise where we might be able to help others. No one can single-handedly save the world, even though some of us might like to think we can, but if we all pitched in to do SOMETHING, to show Kindness to others, the world can change for the better. Next week’s post will discuss a more specific focus in Kindness Part II.
Tobin – This is such a nice sentiment. Kindness and community are tremendously important to our collective consciousness right now. It elevates the earth’s frequency exponentially which we all need to help all of mankind and nature. Pretty soon we will need to forgive those who were drawn into dark energies, we don’t need to forget what they supported but will need to forgive them because it will in turn release a huge amount of love and benevolence to all of the planet. Good tidings for the season and beyond!
Thank you for this reminder about importance and even power of kindness, Tobin. For the giver and the receiver.
Kindness offers a benefit to all parties, yet it is an only a side effect to the action.
Tobin, a provocative post. I suppose this is difficult to write clearly about as the potential for kindness is inherent to our species. Perhaps just too close for our field of focus.
Absent kindness no one would survive early infancy. Before we learned language and could articulate our feelings and needs, others, usually related by blood would intuit, indwelled our bodily state and respond with food, or with a change of clothes, a cleanup as often as needed. Is this compulsory, triggered inwardly, irresistible, … Seems to me such behavior is almost certainly learned by observation, and by belonging to a cultural ethos. “This” is how infants are treated: with kindness.
I know a new parent is likely to label their care of a child none other than work. I think kindness is work, effort is expended.
I liked your StreetWise example. The manner in which the purchase was made indicated reciprocal respect. This is an another “game” than the objective of maximizing profit. Without profit no organization can continue to exist. However maximizing profit cannibalizes opportunities to exercise kindness in the course of a transaction.
Christian thought mentions seven deadly sins. “Greed” is number two on the list. I think that greed is the hallmark of a way of life that entails all six of these distortions of our natural ability to feel, to be empathetic, to give and to receive from the human and our natural context. As you note, not everyone learns how to be kind. Some, a few become apex predators toward the members of their species. I have often thought that there is a point of no return, when the inclination for aggression and avarice, un-natural as those may be, are as customary as taking the next breath.
To conclude, sometimes I think about the Buddhist concept of “hungry ghosts”. These are spirits tormented by insatiable cravings, addicted, chasing fulfillment in material things.
I have no doubt that in a better world those of us who are lucky would be willing to take less, – so that others would have more. We’d all enjoy a degree of satisfaction that eludes us here and now.
Jerry – Thank you again for your insightful comments. When you mentioned the Seven Sins what came to mind was a question of Biblical proportions. Why have we always focused on what we should not be doing, instead of positive credos that would make for a better world? Whether it is those seven sins or the ten commandments, the authors of these rules apparently believed that people could not be trusted with positive ideas and our lesser, more inherent natures had to be kept in check with rules.
Many years ago a friend of mine was running a carousel in Connecticut. She took down the list of twelve things people were not allowed to do while riding the machine and put up a sign that read, “Be Nice! Acts of abuse and vandalizing actually decreased with the new sign. Perhaps we’ve been looking at these behavioral patterns all wrong.
I was shopping for a few necessities in a local drugstore while I was there to pick up a prescription. A gentleman came up to me with a bouquet of roses, pulled 1 out, and offered it to me. I was rather taken aback, but I was also quite pleased to receive the flower. It was a bright spot in an otherwise monotonous day. I was not the only woman to whom he offered roses that day.
Sometime later, I was telling my nephew about the incident. He is a bit of a cynic, and he asked me, suspiciously, what the man wanted in return. “ Probably just a smile, and maybe a thank you as well” I told him, “and he got both.”
I found it somewhat sad and telling that, apparently kindness has become so rare in our society, it is sometimes viewed with suspicion when offered.
Marsha – Thank you for your comment. Unfortunately I’m not surprised by your nephew’s cynicism. Offering small kindnesses is a remarkable way of both feeling better about our world and creating small measure of community. We are, after all, social animals that crave the company of our fellow humans. It’s only when we loose trust in the action of others that we tend more towards isolation. That doesn’t mean we give out our trust to anyone who asks. There are millions of people “out there” who are looking for ways to taking advantage of others, but being wary is not being completely shut off. So when someone offers you a rose without any apparent strings attached, it may just be a spark of joy that has nothing to it other than a small kindness. Let’s hope for more of those moments in life.